mogigraphia

so, i've been working a lot. but the great thing is i get to meet strange and wonderful people. like the guy who spat in my face last week. by the by, i took him down and he was arrested for assault. but there is this guy, he's a meth head. about my age. you can see the crystal starting to take its toll. i'm trying to figure out how much longer he has by his walk.

anyway, this isn't about taking a look at mortality and side bets. it's more 'bout words. this guy is a poet. a bard. a writer. he's suffered, and he's pained and he keeps writing. he tells me he has several thousand poems scrawled on pieces of paper and cardboard. cardboard is he prefered medium.

i'm trying not to be sarcastic. he has some great imagery. an interesting look at the world around him as it dances about him, with his lilting stance and junky dance.

i've started to collect his words. i have about 20 now. granted i've only been doing this two weeks. but when i see him, his pack is full of used and unused pieces of corragate.

it's been awhile since i wrote verse. moreso, i've looked back and rewrote phrases i wrote before. we used to have an exercise. pick an object and make it something it's not, while keeping it's integrity. so i wrote this as i watched my monitors and sat on my keys and gloves.
---------------
pick

steal trim valleys, iron
lined mountains, tumbling through
to keep a secret

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i'm not angry enough, i have to bottle up more and let it out. his work has passion, hatred for socity and what he has become. the words and reason have little or no meaning, but it is so filled with his passion for what he is trying to say. it's coherent, there is thought, but sophmoric. but it has an edge. i want to do a life history on him once i have enough of his work. more of his thousands.

7 of one and half dozen of another

all right, i'm in this job, it doesn't pay well. i don't have any benefits. to say the least, it has potential to be very dangerous. i've been assaulted several times. however, i've been able to handle myself in each situation. i also seem to get a bit of respect from the people i work with in my abilities to handle and deal with incidents. well, with most, but a few, although i've found it to be a.... nevermind, i'm kvetching. anyway, there might be some possibilities coming up. as well, there is this person that i probably would never have met unless i had been in this place, of which i am truly thankful for being there. the job itself is... for lack of a better word... is fun.

well, none of this is the issue. i haven't been actively looking for a job for quite some time. i get this email from this rather legitimate source. i can't quite remember if i applied with them at sometime, i probably did. anyway, i got an email about a job posting, which is one i would have applied for back in the day. it also pays really well, back to a level i was once accustom to, and then a bit. it is a temp job, but the foot in the door, and one's ability to wiggle ones toes in further is a plus. i have six days to apply. it would mean chucking away alot now, and a bit of potential for other things.

i mean, the money is nice, the foot in the right ear to wiggle the toes. the game... not that i would get the job, but what the hell is someone sending me this for. i haven't had any connections in these realms for years.

excuse me i just had a bit of a seizure. i just calculated the amount i would make in the four months if i got the job, compared to what i make now in one year. my god it's only a four month posting. four months. what after that....

alright, i'm jumping the gun. it was just sent to me by email. but the last time this happened, due to my past interaction, and my abilities, in the same area, i was the only one considered for the job. the job was mine. but this is new. it probably was a mistake.

ok, if someone comes to you with something that is too good to be true, it probably is. but it still begs the question, should i apply. i need some council.

i never would have done this before. i would have jumped at the opportunity. screw it all, just do it. now like an old fart i think it through. weigh my options. dammit

badinage

small talk is for small people.
i get up, i go to work, i go home.
i get up, i go to work, i go out, i go home.
i get up, i go to work, i go home.
i get up, i go to work, i go out, i go home.
i get up, i go to work, i go home.
i have two jobs. i work 7 days a week.
i like one job because of the people, i like the other because of the fun.
i got a hair cut today. i asked for the mop to be cleaned up a bit, maybe a trim.
try not to loose the length. low and behold, i lost the length. it's looks good, but...
i really like seventies sitcoms. well, late seventies early eighties. you know the
ones that bridged the gap between the two decades.
i just took a bandage off my arm from a shot i had this morning.
i like yogurt and granola, but part way through the day, wicked gas. as well it has to be raspberry yogurt.

to have faith or not to have faith

i've been looking at things a lot differently as of late, as you can see by my last post. not sure if that's good or bad. actually, i can't say that it's really a different perspective. nothing has changed as i see things, moreso a restoration of balance. to say the least, i do have faith, but i'm still a person of contradiction.

for the past few years i've been struggling with that. balance that is. if you know the story of Broken Bow, it's all about the struggle of faith and the empirical. when i first starting writing it way back when, i knew what i was wanting, i've finished it, but i have yet to show anyone, granted i would have to actually trust someone to read it before it's drawn, but the idea has always been there from the start.

the first person i talked to about it, mark c, tried to analyze me through the story. he was right, we tend to do such thngs, but he was so off. he placed me in the role of the father and the loss of the son, in the aspect of my loss of my own father when i was a child. rather simplistic analysis. when i wrote the story i struggled with belief. when people asked about that topic, i would always say i believe/ have faith in myself, or that i have faith in people to do what i figure they would do. however, i was side stepping an area that i had not resolved.

i believe in certain things, i have faith in certain things, the possibilities. but, i also look at the aspects of empirical knowledge. i still haven't resolved it. well i have and i haven't. i'm looking for balance, and contradiction. i can live with contradition.

i've dug out my old books on eastern philosophy and a "good book". i'm looking for balance and maybe an understanding moreso of what i believe and why i believe it. like i said, i do have faith, but i'm still a person of contradiction.

it's too late, so don't turn back

well, i seem to up late again. i was going through my boxes from my last move, in July. i was looking for some paper work that i needed, my background check. i've needed it for the past 2 months, but just finally got around to it. i found it, but i also found this:
----
canadian gothic

blue jeans and blazers; tumble-weed wreaths
graze granite epitath beneath the big sky
fence post legs greet earth as frowning arms
cross sunken chests on a hill of dirt
red-man cheeks somber and grim
callus hands clasp, twist, embrace
curious eyes skulk beneath tilted heads
and sorrowful shoulders lilt on proud bodies
white fence, ragged and worn, shielding
stories of forgotten neighbours and ragweed
only remembered when new
half moon eyes drip; burying
memories in a tomb, to feed the soil,
rich in retrospection
-----------------------

now i had this published in a couple things.
i lok back now and i really don't know why.
the ending lacks. the last 3 lines just don't
work for me, matbe eve the last 4.
maybe it could have went from 4 lines to just 1:


feeding the soil, rich from retrospection.
----------------------

oh well

accismus

accismus (ak-SIZ-muhs) noun

to fiegn disinterest in something while actually desiring it.

such a interesting word, but it seems to sum a lot of things up right now. for that matter, it seems that it can be taken too far. we all want something, even when we don't know what it is, and we try to force, push, pull or drag ourselves into somethng we might think we want, desire or need. although, we try to do it in such a way that we may try to push that something away, because we may think we just don't deserve it.

maybe we all just want challenges, or maybe just something to concur (think about that one, i did use the right word for what i'm thinking). but maybe we all just want to be wanted, and we don't want to show it. so we sink into a station which allows only to be with something that doesn't want us.

there was a time when i would go for something regardless of the consequences. now, i find that once i want something, i wonder if i deserve it. so i find ways to push it away, subtlies and nuancies of my actions which would make the situation vanish or be rethought, eventhough it probably is the best thing i have come across.

it's not an aspect of being hurt or not wanting to try. but moreso that i seem to get myself in situations where i'm not sure that the outcome would be in my favour. for that matter, if i played the right hand, everything would be fine. however, i find that i reach the split in the road, as i descend along a hilltop, and i choose the route inwhich i know will put me back where i started.

it's very late right now, i am sure of what i'm saying, i just don't want to elaborate.

secret, secret, i've got too many, and i can't stfu

well, it's been awhile. i've been up to my ass in work. what an interesting place that is, but i won't vent about that. i don't know if anyone is reading this that might go there.

i've almost got all things together for my upcoming career change anyway. just a few more details i have to work out. i'm such a lazy bastard.

someone stated that they read my main page and thought it was somewhat humourous. my text and such. the talking to people that aren't there, thinking that they might be reading this empty thought process.

have you every been in a situation where you're not sure as to your actual place. you know what's happening when you're there, you know what happened before. but you're busting 'cause noone else knows. say for example that your doing something, not bad, but good, very good in your eyes. but things that went on before are still lingering, and you told someone that you wouldn't talk about it, and you have nowhere to vent. it's painfull, it's killing me. i'm a person that sees life as being out there with certain things, especially if it's a good thing. i don't like to hide. i did that before, too many times. it got me in trouble. i don't want to do it again. but low and behold here i am again.....

i need popcorn or icecream and a good movie or book.

i'm about to start reading the Essential Daredevil vol 3. i just finished the Essential Killraven vol 1, it was all right. i've already read DD to about #138, so this Essential is just a reread. but the fact that it's b&w is cool. Gene Colan's art in b&w is spectacular. ya see the thing is, i can relate to DD or moreso Matt Murdock. granted i'm not blind, maybe metaphorically, but not physically. MM is this intelligent guy, but he keeps making these drastically ... interesting choices. he appears to have it together, but his choices on certain matters... oi.

i'm very good at my job. at least that's what i think. but who doesn't. when it comes to the personal, since a few years ago, i've been kinda strained. maybe a little scared, but like everyone else i forge on. i used to... well... anyway, i don't want to agonize about the past, but more so i want to learn from what i went through. at this point i'm seeing flags all over the place, which i've seen before. not so much bad things, but... but i feel like i'm being tautological. running around right to beginning to prove my argument... my situation. like i'm going right back into a pattern which i wanted to leave behind, even though the situation i'm striving for seems to be a lot more pleasant... desirable... it's just got some bumps. i mean i like the journey, but there might be these road signs telling me the posted speed, curves and bumps, and i'm not heeding them like i should.

i've talked to a few people, some i know i can trust, and others... well, i'm sure i can. although sometimes i wonder if i'm trying to get people to... all right, sometimes i try to get people to talk about certain things, to do my work for me, and to do that one needs to put the bug in certain people's ears. but i'm trying to do it in the best way possible. ya see my problem is when something bugs me, i need to fix it. i have to confront it. i can't run away, no matter how much i want to, and that it may make my want to run away screaming like a little girl. i just haven't found the best way to do it yet. as it is, this weekend might test that. i'm hoping for a bit of a head to a ceratin thing, but i want the best possible result for ceratin people, myself included in that circle. but somehow, if i'm not careful, it will blow up in my face. i'm trying to sort that out in my head. work out how to handle that before it happens. 'cause right now i feel like i'm in the middle of an ocean with no limbs, opposed to being blind in a forest.

tortoise or the grey hair

well, i found my second grey hair today. the first, as i reported, was in my nose. i did finally clip that. anyway, due to my genes, being native and all, i tend to have a slow growth rate with facial hair, very slow. i barely have any when i try. i haven't shaved since monday, and it looks slightly more than a five o'clock shadow. as i looked in the mirror, i noticed this slight variance in colour on my chin, on the left side. i ease in closer to the reflection to check it out, and it's a single grey hair. it's strange, i can hardly grow facial hair, but i have one single pigmently challenged stubble.
although, my last GF noticed something about my hair. i was growing it out a bit, and she pointed out that i have a lot of light coloured hair, not gray or white, but very light brown to almost blondish. i though she needed glasses, but i just found out that on my dad's side of the family that there might possibly be some swedish blood. as it is, my grandfather on my mom's side was german. it explains a lot, i have a few differing traits than the rest of the family. most people i meet don't even know that i'm native.
i have to shave by sat, the company has an important client, and i can't look too scruffy. the thing that gets me is that it took a long time for most, if not all my relatives to show their true age, if yet. my mom, aunts and uncles all took a long time to show a lot of the traits of age. most didn't get any grey till their late 50s early 60s. although, all the off spring showed it early, accept for me. i wonder if i should care. that's also makes me think, they all started families later in life too, next to one cousin, i'm like the last to do so. hmmmmm. i guess thoughts for another day.